Where did all the gay men go?

Let me start this by saying that gay people have more exposure than they have ever had in mainstream media, and that's a good thing. Every soap has at least one gay character, and dramas (on HBO, at least) are finally letting their gay characters be defined by something other than their sexuality (hooray for Omar and Lafeyette). It's also been said that the best place for gay characters is genre shows, where they aren't just dealing with coming out and homophobia, they also have to pilot spaceships and save the world.

But I've noticed a bit of a bias over the years, particularly in the world of sci-fi and superheroes. Lots of fiesty, fleshed-out lesbians, and hardly any gay men. Look at Battlestar Galactica, one of my favourite ever shows. In the TV BSG movie Razor, Admiral Cain, a relatively minor character, was shown in a lesbian relationship with the not-unattractive Six. By the time the movie aired, Cain had been killed off and her background, while interesting, didn't really add anything. Meanwhile, there was Felix Gaeta, a solid supporting character who'd been there from episode one. He was revealed as bisexual in a web series, but his sexuality was not once referenced in the main show, even though it helped make sense of his motivations throughout the series, especially his somewhat personal reaction when Gaius Baltar betrayed him and the entire human race. The makers seemed happy to show lesbians on the main show, even when it was pretty much irrelevant, but a major plot development relating to an important character was sidelined to a web show.

Then look at He Who Can Do No Wrong Joss Whedon. Willow and Tara in Buffy were just lovely. One of the best and least provocative depictions of a lesbian relationship on TV, to this day. They fought, they had sex, they supported each other, and their friends excepted them with barely a word. Elsewhere, though, I give you Andrew, a character who was clearly gay. And yet when Whedon wanted to show how Andrew had matured as a person over on Angel, he had him going off to a ball on the arms of two beautiful women. How hard would it have been for Andrew to head off into the sunset with a hot guy in a tux? Again, a lesbian couple who were treated sensitively and sympathetically, and a gay character who was comic relief, and then inexplicably straight.

Comics are much the same. Marvel is doing better, in their earnest way, with Young Avengers Wiccan and Hulkling and X-Factor's Rictor and Shatterstar, but DC is disgracefully devoid of gay male characters. Not gay characters, I'll stress, because they currently boast three brilliant lesbians: Renee Montoya, Scandal Savage and even Batwoman. They are often sidelined by some writers, but in the hands of their principle writers (Greg Rucka and Gail Simone) they are three of DC's best characters.

But where are DC's gay male characters? Um... Todd Rice, his lawyer boyfriend, Creote... erm... Kyle Rayner's mate, who was gay-bashed... Please, tell me if I'm missing anyone, but those are the only ones I can think of. I'm not sure exactly what percentage of people are gay in the real world, but I'm pretty certain it's a larger percentage than is depicted in the DCU, male and female. Would it be that difficult for them to introduce a gay Teen Titan? (teenagers are meant to experiment with their sexuality, the Titans seems like the natural home for a new gay character). And there are plenty of existing characters who could fairly organically be revealed as gay or bisexual. Connor Hawke, Tim Drake, Dinah Lance, Joseph Wilson.

When it comes to the dominance of lesbian characters over gay ones in the sci-fi genre, I can only reach one (sad) conclusion: the male, middle-aged Powers That Be don't feel threatened by lesbians. They think they're hot. Gay men, however, represent the fear of the unknown, something they consider a little bit, well, disgusting. Something they don't want to corrupt the young male viewers/readers with. They recognise that in these modern days they need to acknowledge the existance of homosexuals, but they go for what they view as the 'safe' option: lesbians. Added to that is the assumption that lesbians are more masculine, and therefore more likely to be tough heroes, whereas gay men are considered to be effeminate, so hardly hero material.

Luckily, this thinking has allowed some brilliant female characters to sneak through the misogynistic net and carve a vivid, powerful route of their own. But the arse-kicking, swashbuckling gay heroes are still trapped in the red tape, waiting for a new generation of Big Boss Men to let them do their stuff. And who wouldn't want to watch a show about a gay space pirate?

Nerdy-Come-Lately

The dark secret of many a geek. In terms of nerd ettiquette, it's up there with bestiality and liking Grey's Anatomy. And what is this shameful secret? Coming late to a TV show. On the face of it it sounds innoculous - okay, so you want to wait for the reviews to come out before you invest in watching a series, or maybe it just passes you by and you don't even notice it until it starts to gain a following. But no, it isn't innoculous. It is bandwagon geekery. And, I am ashamed to admit, I have been guilty of it on a number of occassions.

There's nothing like the smugness of being ahead of the curve. To this day I am proud that I am one of the very few people who actually saw the brilliant Carnivale and Arrested Development, who was there right from the start when Heroes was genius, who knew X-Men inside out before the films were released. Sometimes, a lack of Sky TV gets in my way - it's not my fault I had to wait for the terrestrial showing of Dollhouse, and as someone who works in the TV industry I can't bring myself to illegally download anything. All this is acceptable in geek culture.

What is far less acceptable is the following: I missed the first three and a half series of Battlestar Galactica, didn't join the Buffy wagon until series two, dismissed Supernatural for a full three years before realising it was actually damn enjoyable, have never seen an old episode of Doctor Who (pre-Christopher Ecclestone), missed The Wire altogether and - most shameful of all - I saw the first episode of Firefly and then decided not to watch it.

I have since caught up with all of these shows and list them all as some of my favourites of all time. Maybe four or five years ago I just wasn't the dedicated geek I have blossomed into now. I was at uni at the time - who wants to sit in front of the goggle box when there's drinking to be done? But now I am kicking myself, particularly on the BSG and Firefly front. Maybe if I moved in more geeky circles someone would have told me what I was missing. Thank God for DVD boxsets. But my nerdy-come-lately status (I refuse to see myself as a mere bandwagon geek) has seriously dented my credibility. Perhaps you look at me differently now. Can I claim to be a true Firefly fan when I didn't watch it until after Serenity? (And, dammit, how much better is that film when you already know and love those characters?) I can't share the pain of BSG fans who had to wait a whole summer to find out if Adama survived being shot - I just gasped and changed the DVD over as quickly as I could.

I'm making up for it now, giving every show a fair chance. I was there with the rest of the True Blood crowd waiting to see if Lafeyette survived into series two, which meant I could hold my head high when buying a bottle of Tru Blood in Forbidden Planet for my Dad's birthday. I saw the pilot of Being Human when it was on BBC3, not You Tube, and was there from the first minute of Misfits. But I have a lot of bad geek practice to make up for.

TV: Keeping Me Sane Since 1999

I like TV. Some might say too much. But depending on my mood, TV has various functions in my life. There's the social function, where I will watch The X Factor at a mates house, gossip all the way through it and only pay attention to heckle talentless pretty boys. There's the bonding function, as seen in the whole separate language my Dad and I have, derived from the world of our favourite TV. There's the time-filling function, valuable for staving off boredom or being temped to do something useful, like housework. And, of course, it's an addiction. I just have to tune in and find out what happens next, even with something like Heroes, which, let's face it, is basically pants these days.

But for me TV fulfills another function - it keeps me sane. When I have a problem that just can't be fixed no matter how much I think about it, I turn to box sets. Classic escapism. Okay, this probably isn't to be recommended when you have a problem that actually can be fixed. I once spent two weeks watching Battlestar Galactica in a Scarlett O'Hara-esque attempt to think about my problems at a later date, only to solve them all in five minutes flat when I turned my attention to them. Still, time spent following the fleet is never time wasted.

But whenever things are getting on top of me, there's nothing like TV to switch my brain to calm mode. When my cat was run over the day before my GCSEs started (oh, many years ago), Numfar's Dance of Shame on Angel cleared my head and let me focus on revision again. And this week, with my Grandma in hospital and 20 foot of snow and a broken trainline between me and her, I resorted to Doctor Who. Gran is now on the mend, and I felt much better for a week of being lulled to sleep with dreams of the lovely David Tennant rather than nightmares about death and mortality.

So, have I found a savvy way of coping with life, or am I just avoiding the issue? Maybe I'm just a cold fish and other people can't forget family illnesses with one buzz of a sonic screwdriver. Am I alone in utilising this coping method? It's cheaper than therapy, if nothing else. Although at uni, repressed exam fears and an overdose of Carnivale led to nightmares of being chased by Clancy Brown. Maybe I need to be limited to two doses of escapism a day.

TV Moments of the Noughties

I spent a large part of the noughties intending to be young and cool just as soon as this episode of Angel ends, so I feel I'm well placed to make a (highly subjective) Top Moments list. I'm like Channel 4. Or a female John Cusak (which I guess would be Joan Cusak...) Before anyone makes any outcries of protest, I'd like to preface this by adding that I have never seen The Wire or The Sopranos. I am suitably ashamed of myself.

Villain of the Decade
Sherri Palmer - 24.
Somehow, her self-interested scheming was more boo-hissable than Nina's out-and-out evilry. (It's like revelry - 'cept evil)

Hero of the Decade
Mr Bennett - Heroes
Peter Petrelli may be the official hero of the show, but we all know Mr B would kick his ass.

Babe of the Decade
Trisha Helfer - Battlestar Galactica
I'm a straight woman and even I know she's hot. The woman walks like she owns the patent on legs.

Hunk of the Decade
Jensen Ackles - Supernatural
Come on, have you seen the guy?! And he does funny!

Guest Star of the Decade
George Clooney - ER
They all said it couldn't be done. But not only was Gorgeous George's return completely unstarry, it was also upstaged by Carter and Benton's reunion. Now that's class.

Unsung Star of the Decade
Nathan Fillion, of course.
Why he isn't headlining tentpoles I don't know. He's the new Harrison Ford.

Pilot of the Decade
Dexter
It's all there, right from the opener, and it maintained the standard. Special mention to Desperate Housewives, who gave us a hell of an opener.

Finale of the Decade
Six Feet Under
There can be no more perfect end to a show about death.

Credits of the Decade
True Blood
The greatest Emmys upset since Michael C Hall went home empty-handed. Again.

Soundtrack of the Decade
Life on Mars
From that very first spine-tingling David Bowie moment, it was a cracker.

Special Effects of the Decade
Sam flies into battle - Battlestar Galactica
By series four we had seen countless BSG space battles, but through Sam's newbie eyes it all seemed grander and more immediate than ever.

Scare of the Decade
The Weeping Angels - Doctor Who
Their real faces sent even desensitised kids diving for the sofa cushions.

Fight of the Decade
Echo and Ballard - Dollhouse
Not a great show. But this was a great fight.

Shock of the Decade
Boomer shoots the old man - Battlestar Galactica
Who the frak saw that coming?

Visual Gag of the Decade
The blind guide dog falls into the bin - Arrested Development
Just one moment from a show packed full of them.

Weeping with Laughter of the Decade
"Where's Puke Point Three? WHERE'S PUKE POINT THREE?!?" - Peep Show
Also: "Who wants some of my chair?!" Being Human proves that being a werewolf does not immediately make you a superhero.

Romance of the Decade
Turk and JD - Scrubs
Because it's Guy Love. Between two guys.

Comedy Creation of the Decade
The entire Bluth family - Arrested Development
Including Tobias. Or possibly especially Tobias.

Death of the Decade
Mark Greene - ER
Grown men now cry at the first bars of Over the Rainbow. Although special mention to the (huge number of) Joss Whedon deaths: Joyce, Tara, Fred, Cordelia... He is the undisputed king of the death scene.

Randomness of the Decade
Smile Time - Angel
"I know, let's turn our leading man into a muppet!" Somehow, this became televisual gold.

Unwatched Show of the Decade
Carnivale
Why?!? Watch it, you unenlightened fools! It's brilliant!

Geek-Out of the Decade
Lex Luthor kills his father - Smallville
"No-one will even remember your name" Lex tells Lionel as he shoves him out of a window. That's because he renames the company Lexcorp! WAAA! Then Michael Rosenbaum left the show. All seems a bit of a waste now.

Cartoon of the Decade
Justice League
No, seriously. Kim Possible was good too. Oh, and what's that show about that family man...

Period Drama of the Decade
Cranford
It's lovely. But this time I also have to give equal credit to Mad Men, which makes me want to go back to the 1960s, resent my husband and drink myself into elegant decay.

Pleasant Surprise of the Decade
Misfits.
It was good.

Unpleasant Surprise of the Year
Joey.
It wasn't.

Most Quoted Line of the Decade
"What's occurin'?" - Gavin and Stacey
Trickier to quote that you'd think. The Welsh accent is a bitch.

Most Quoted Line in the Follow the Nerd household
"Surprise, motherfucker!" - Dexter
I still sometimes use this as a telephone greeting.

Actor of the Decade
Michael C Hall - Six Feet Under/Dexter
Take that, Emmys! Anyone who can completely inhabit two roles that could not be further apart deserves a big gold star in my book. What he does is extraordinary.

Actress of the Decade
Felicity Huffman - Desperate Housewives
She steals the show and beats her botoxed co-stars over the head with it.

Well now I feel bad - there are hardly any British shows on this list! Hmm - I'll make up for it by dedicating a blog to brilliant British TV soon. In the meantime - criticise my choices to your heart's content!